Whatcha textin bout Willis?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
