All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
