Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
