Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
