I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
