It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
