I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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