i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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