then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
