this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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