nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
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The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
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It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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