operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
