when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
