Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
