Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
