She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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