so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
