I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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