I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
