I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
