Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
