Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
