remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
