Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
