wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
