You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
