Your tits are I can't wait for
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dicks are not precious.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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