dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Ketchup is God's man juice
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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