Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
