At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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