mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
