so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
