So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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