Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
