I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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