I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
