you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
