Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
