This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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