I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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