just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
