I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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