I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
