like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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