What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
