i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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