yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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