apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
