I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We have so much sex to catch up on
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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