Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
