Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
