so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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