Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
