I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
