I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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