If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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