no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
