Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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